i vent and get angry in my journals, sorry,.,,. also i will get rid of things that i dont like anymore :)
★arranged newest to oldest★
i didn't eat yesterday, and for some reason im literally not even hungry,,, maybe it's because ive stoped taking the 2 meds that cause weight gain, the only one i am taking is the one that can cause weight loss,, they took away the family scale so i can't weigh myself anymore,, i keep going to see what i weigh and then realizing that i can't,,,
i've been in this really weird mood lately, i've been dissasociating way worse than usual to the point where i've been like semi losing time n looking in mirrors is like unpleaseant,.,. i've also been super anxious but also angry and energetic, but also upset in sad empty way,,. like mood swings, but like rlly fast ones that are more like reactive yknow
i kinda was thinkng about dying
i really need to get back on my meds but that will make me gain weight an i hate HATE being fat,.on the other hand last night i hheard a whooshing in my ears (it was just because of high blood pressure bc i took to much of my meds) but for like at least 5 seconds i thought it was specifically a god or higher being whispering to me,.., i'm like kinda worried.
edit, 5:32 pm: i officially haven't eaten anything except a banana and half an orange for 48 hrs,, and i still dont feel fucking hungry i am so confused
school makes me sad,,. its not the homework or even like the classes (pfft im updating this in the middle of science class) but its that i keep having to see ppl that i used to be friends with b4 we had like fallouts n stuff,.,. its either that or i just dont hav friends in the other fucking classes,,,, i have to deal with the gross ugly fact that im probably goign to end up totally alone and that rn im basically already isolated,.,.i keep wanting to talk to them ,, any of them but its useless, they wont reply,.,. im just useless and ill always be second because of my traits,.,. if i changed it wouldnt even matter bc ppl already think im awful,,,,
she said she wasnt gonna jusde me 4 the things she heard,.,.what had she heard?,, ,,he said we should get lunch,, thta was like a month ago :( ,.,. i know im terribl;e to be around but why wont people even try?
also fuck why wont my fucking audio work on zoom its getting rlly annoying >:(
school like just started,., its actually not that bad since we're doing synchronous this yr instead of the shit we did last year *arghgghh*,, im super exited 4 human psych :),.,.i have no one i know n like in any of the classes i took 2day tho so that fucking sucks.,,. bc i rlly rlly miss having ppl to talk to,.,. guess i deserve it tho,,, a couple days ago i was feeling so fucking upset at one of my friends. i always have had this super deep seated fear of ppl leaving me, whether its by dying or just fuckin leaving, doesnt matter,.,. N E WAYZZ i was feeling so destroyed and empty because he's been ignoring me and being just fuckin awful about being a friend,. (theyre acting like me when im upset and lonely and it scares me and makes want to die),. i went on my vent page on instagram which i KnOW he follows and i posted some kinda personal and private dms that he sent me while he may or may not of been high (i say "may" because i always use being drunk n high as an excuse 2 spill feelings so he prolly wasnt super high),.,. n i definitely know he saw them bc he sees all my posts he just doesnt like any of them,.,. n since then all hes been listening to is fucking mitski :(( like jesus im sorry,.,. i feel awful, i was just mad and all i wanted was to talk and make up,, GOD WHY CANT I FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS SHIT?!?!,, its easy 4 other ppl?!?,,,, i weigh like 205 i think so thats good at least. i basically havent been eating anything n when i stand up im lightheaded but thats fine,.,. i still have like traces of man boobs so we arent gonna eat anything above 1500-1800 per day i guess :)
school is in 7 days n i am not too happy about it :).
for 1 my mom still hasnt told me whether she's making me go to the hybrid program (where i would be in school half the time and online the other half) or not. i rlly rlly dont wanna go n i dont think theyll make me, which is good :)). im kinda nervous of how this yrs gonna go
for 2, none of my fucking friends have talked to me 4 like weeks and whenever i try to talk to them or ask thenm to like hang out or shit they fucking ignore me,.,. like i rlly hate the fact that tay all fucking care about me so little that even when i put in effort they blow me the fuck off :),.,. al o fthem probably have different reasons,.,.LIKE THIS ONE he fucking ignored my dms for 6 days straight and then fucking bitched about how hes sad :( and he does drugs :(( ,.,. LIKE BITCH ur mental illness doesnt give u the right to be a giant cunt, we all have fucking issues like i get it we are literally the same person personality-wise but u cant do that,,
lucid edit:: god i hate how i get when i get upset and hurt,, why can ppl hurt me so easily, fuck nvm.,,. when we go back to real school i won't have friends bc im fucking repulsive and everyone leaves
i wasnt going to write but what's the point of having this site if im not going to use it? i just cried 4 the first time in months... idk exactly what i was crying about but it was probably something like the fearfulness and impermanece of life,.,. everyone leaves. ive never been able to get over that fact,.,. shit im crying again. ive been listening to somgs ong reapeat and its hurting me. i think i might kill myself,, but the whol ereason i feel shitty is that i miss being little, i miss having potential and being happy and not having to worry. i dont want to grow up and i dont want to die and i dont want to live and idk what i want. i want a hug,,.
sorry 4 not writing in a while :( not much has been happening lol,.,. i got in a tiny fight with my stepdad, and i havent seen any of my friends in so long... i havent even talked to them online,,. my room is rlly messy but i stil feel fine. my mom might make me go to the hybrid school program (when it starts) with all the other kids with 504's even though i could handle online school. she makes me feel stupid,.,. i have therapy today,, i dont know what ill say,.,.
on a different note im fucking done with "not liking politics" and am a scary libertarian socialist now :)
i feel pretty great 2day,.,. i might ask some1 to go on a walk w me to hang out and 2day is the first day of my diet :), well not rlly cause i started it yesterday but its the first day im telling yall about it :),.,. i still kinda feel lonely and a lil sad but its way better than the past week yknow,.,. im tryna keep a positive attitude n stuff and bc of that i feel like 2day will be gr8,.,. i wonder how long this will last haha cause it usually doesnt
fuck her,., idk if this was bait... it probably was, it doesnt matter.. but she talks about me to her little stupid pretentious "i have intrusive thoughts n cut myself for attention n talk like im keysmashing constantly" bullshit friends online... i just remebered that i asked her to go on my website from her phone a while back so maybe shes been reading all of these... who knows, however... if you're reading this, i really honestly request that you go away... you arent funny :)... you arent cute for thinking thinking violence and intrusive thoughts are "quirky" for lack of a better term, or for saying you would "be calm in a life or death situation" and then mere hours later being unable to handle the smallest amounts of pain without being a giant bitch to everyone around you... just stop... i dont care if i'm semi related to you, if you do not chill the hell out with your little pals i will never speak to you again.
shit, that may even be a win win for both of us bc she seems so bent on pretending that she doesnt like speaking to ppl
idk im fine now,., we went on a 3 day hike/camp n i feel better.,.,. i wish even a single person tried to talk to me when i wuz gone tho.. lol thats asking too much tho bc i cant expect anyone to like me enough to initiate,.,. i think i might go to sleep,.,. sorry 4 everyone who saw all that shit about my friends and therapist, i was kinda going crazy lol
a message to p:
im just gonna leave this here..,,.i feel like it is time for you to back off,.,. i dont care if you think its justified bc it isnt,., you once said you wanted closure and this certainly isnt that,.,. this is causing me more emotional distress than it is preventing, and every time you turn people against me you are just proving my point,.,. ive tried to stay away out of respect for you but we havent spoken in years and it is still effecting me,.,. i am and was not perfect but i do not deserve this,.,.,. i think it is time we spoke or at least time that you reevaluted your descisions. it is unfair to think that i have not changed, to put me and ur friends in this uncomfortable situation,.,. or that you, as a normal person, even have the right to claim dictatorship over a situation,.,. this is just like you were in 5th grade when i wanted new friends,.,. next thing you know youll be crying and telling me its all your fault,.,. which it is
i have band camp 2day lol (ITS COVID SAFE,.,. THEYRE TAKING LOTS OF PRECAUTIONS ie: screening, masks distancing),.,. ew looking 4ward to all the fuckin creepos trying to talk to me again :).,.,. real talk tho i hope sum of the freshman r gonna cool or at least of yknow bc all my friends quit bands and last yr the only ppl i talked to were the seniors,.,. now that theyve graduated im gonna be all alone unless i find sum freshies that r like ok to talk to sumtimes. i found this rlly cool mp3 player from 2007 in a dead hoarders stash that we got,.,. since i dont have a phone itll be gr8 to listen to music outside of my room >:) it looks like this:
im not gonna eat 2day besides the black coffee i just had,.,. i wanna see if i can do it or like not yknow.,.,. im gonna drink water tho cause drinking water is good
edit: it didnt work :))
my internet has been restored and almost everything is great :)) idk what he scheduling of the important stuff thats happening tmrw is tho so im a lil worried but im sure it will be sorted,.,.i had a rlly rough time last night,.,. idk why but like i feel way better now. i made a shrine for clem which is super cool,.,. might add to that + i wanna make a shrine 4 all my great frinds bc i luv them!! im gunna ask them first tho.
upset edit: why do i feel the need to ruin a good day by thinking about shit that makes me sad and self loath? as soon as i feel happy i have to go and get rid of that with wanting to be sad and drink n shit gahh,.,. not to mention i draw no happiness from being sexual anymore,.,. all it does is fuckign dopamine and not even that at this point,.,. and as soon as im done i just hate myself and the entire concept more than b4,.,. yuck
my parents apparently have me on a new internet schedule that theyre figuring out so if i dont update as much don't be surprised :((
im gonna go on a few walks w my friends tmrw and saturday hopefully so i might write about those...
nm happened today,.,. yesterday my friend cancelled on me and made me miss some of the work that i do for my mom so i had to make that up 2day,.,. but it was so dum, i wanted to hang out w my friend 2day but since i had to make up the work for my mom she took away my internet so i couldnt contact my friend >:(( im rrly kinda pissed off like she just made me work scraping paint for 4 hrs and took away my internet all day so i couldnt talk to anybody.,. dead dies >;)
i cant wait to get out of here but at the same time i never want to leave,.,. fuck, god i hate myself
i rlly do luv my mom,.,. but she's so hard to deal with...
EVERYTHING IS OK,.,. im so relieved. everything will work out great... im so happy,.,. i went to see my grandmother at her lakehoues yesterday and we swam and talked and it was so great thta she was ok :),.,. i got super sunburned lol. today im probably going to just help around the house and relax.,.,. but im in such a good mood for the first time in a while.,, usually im just kinda blehh u know but rn i feel SO GREAT >:)),.., ppl dont want me feeling like this all the time bc then i would be too powerful!!
EDIT: starts crying for 15 mins and then feels better
EDIT: what is she even doing we used to be friends just say whhat u wanna say and move on bro,.,. yeah sure u wann abe friends.,.,. and what do u have to show for it,.,. ok whatever we can pretend to like each other and not have a power dynamic fine sure ok
well this is gonna be stressful,.,. i cant talk about it anymore bc ive been told not to but i rlly hope everything turns out alright,.,. im worried it wont but i guess i feel rlly bad abotu the whole situaiton and nothing has happened since so thats the best we can do :),.,.
in other news im going to see my grandmother this weekend,.,. im so excited :)) i luv my grandma but since she lives in massachusetts we havent been able to go see her.,,. but shes gonna go out into the forest to her little lake house so we can see her :)) even so we arent gonna go inside her house bc we rlly wanna make sure shes alright,.,. i luv her smmm i hope shes ok!
i luv being like this.,.the past couple days have been rlly tough nd i am so done with everything,.,. no one wants to fucking talk to me bc im so loud and ugly and opinionated. at least i have my stuff and my music,.,. i want to die buried in stuff listening to loud music. not being able to see my walls or floor or ceiling makes me feel safe. nothing else here makes me feel safe except food.,,. but that stopped working when my appetite dropped. i kinda just wanna sleep but ik ill just have nightmares i wont remember that will keep me up,.,. i tried to go get sum beadz to bead sum safety pins for my friends but shes just so mean,.,. i just cant deal with this,.,. i just realized im gettin a lil tan and u can see my scars from middle school and earlier this year,.,. dies
sorry i havent been updating my diary that much.,,. lol nothings really been happening,.,. im going to do an online language class for the next 2 weeks tho so u might hear less of me :((.,.,. in other news my apetites dropped off a whole bunch.,. i feel like i dont even need to eat anymore,.,. its because of my meds >:)),. theyre supposed to get rid of ur appetite,.,. ive already lost 5 pounds in like a week so im glad,.,. only like 40 to go fucking fattass,.,. anyway
my friend might want a website and i think thats super cool cause this shit is sex as hell! theyre so cool god why cant i be better
EDIT: I AKSED IF I COULD FOLLOW THEIR BAND ACCOUNT IM SO STUPID,.,. why cant i just leave things alone.,,. i care about her and i put her in an awkward position by asking that :(
i went on a walk with my friend last night (like the one who i wrote about last entry) bc they felt better:)) im rlly happy that they seemed ok,.,. it was a sexy ass walk n we talked sm about a lot of different shit,.,. but then when i got home my mom was like "you have a curfew of 9:00!" (even tho i don't) and then she fucking drug tested me not once but fucking twice >:(( even tho ive been sober for like 4-5 months,.,. SHE FUCKING BREATHALYZED ME,.,.,. AND MADE ME PEE IN A CUP,.,.. lIKE WTFFF im not fucking up for this rn, just bc ur "worried",.,.,. UR NOT WORRIEd u just want to intimidate me god i hate when u do this ;)
i just updated a lot but neocities wont let me see all my updates in this browser >:(( this is so dum,.,. maybe after it says i updated on my feed it will fix itself
in other news, one of my friends, the one i talked about in my 3rd entry.,. says hes super deppressed and i wouldnt be worried but like hes realy unstable at the best of times,.,. and i rlly like talking to him and hes so cool and i hope hes gonna be alright :( god im so dum idk what to do,.,.,. when i get unstable and sad and lonely expect ppl to know what to do but then idk what to do when other ppl are like that,.,. god im so useless.,.,. but hes gonna be alright :) ik he will.
fuck the US bro,.,. god ew i hate these fucking pricks,.,. shut the hell up with ur fireworks ur not cool,.,. u didnt pass a test to be born here bitch why are u proud of where u live, its just a place,.,.,.,. not to mention the fucking shit that goes on that all yall probably blatantly support,.., shut the fuck up confederate flag ass bitch,.,..,,. >:(( im mad!!
me n my friends keep havign rlly nice convos online,.,. i rlly missed them,.,. my ap us history essay was cancelled for over the summer and im kinda happy about it,.,.,. too much too think about,.,. if we dont go back to school at least semi normally im gunna be pretty sad tho,.,. ppl online r being fucking annoying cause they dont know how shit works and theyre fuckin discriminating and gatekeeping and ugh whateva nvm.,. but like besides that i feel pretty great for a change haha...
today was pretty much a big fucking nothing.,,. i slept the whole time and i feel awful. ik why but im kinda scared somebody's gonna find this website so im not gonna say :) anyway my friend couldnt come over and im really fucking sad about it... idk not much else to be said
9:40 pm EDIT: i just had a rlly random but nice convo w the friends gc that i made,.,. im kinda sad its over but im super tired and i need sleep
i dont know what to do,.,.., they made a girl band and it just makes me so mad,.,. ik im being selfish but i used to be such fucking good friends with P.H. and seeing all of them have fun when the friend i wanted to talk to said they couldnt even come over,.,. idk i feel like crying,.,. i havent cried in month but just seeng her makes me so sad,.,. she controls u and then chews u up and spits u out like trash and,.,. i wish someone would take my side for once,.,. i cant fucking deal with the memories of P.H. glaring at me and im just so alone. and i treated her so bad,.,. GOD IM SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON.,.,. all of my friends chose her over me and i dont see why thats a bad choice,.,.
i think today im feeling a bit better than yesterday,.,. we got ac installed so my room is cooled down and i can wear layers and long sleeves again.,,.,. i added a entry site to my website and i rlly like it,.,. centipedes r sexy mfs. i invited a friend over tmrw so ill probably write about how that goes,.,. i can't tell whether hes good for me or not. he has so many problems like mine and i cant tell whether it helps or hurts to have him around :(( sobbing,.,. anyway i have therapy today... i used to rllly like her but she isnt helping anymore.,,.,. is she just realizing what im like after all this time,.,.
EDIT: they wont fucking diagnose me and i wanna die,.,.,. i mean literally its not that hard wtf,.,. i've been diagnosed w "generalized anxiety disorder" since i was fucking five,.,. its innacurate and unhelpful >:((
today i woke up fucking weird,.,. my hearts been pounding all day and i feel even more neurotic than normal,.,. i hate summer. today i have alcohol counseling but its going to be so fucking useless,.,. i like her but we never have anything to talk about. my memory is shit,.,. ive been pausing in the middle of sentences because im so stupid and braindead,.,. i used to be called fucking gifted >:(,.., what the hell happened to that,.,. even when i was smart no one liked me though so like whatever. fucking fatty.
i'm really happy how my website is comin along,.,.,. im getting back into html really fast,.,. i have therapy in a couple days and i might tell her aabout this but i might not cause i'll probably start venting here soon enough,.,. i hate telling my therapist things. anyway, im really excited cause im gonna go on a diet cause im fat haha.,. ill keep yall updated on that... although ill prolly just give up and go back to overeating soon >:((.... im just gonna put a big VENT WARNING on my whole journal page probably,.,. sorry...
june 20th, 2020...