★the eam archives...★

eam's journal/vent:
★major/minor cw/tw for my journal★

i vent and get angry in my journals, sorry,.,,. also i will get rid of things that i dont like anymore :)
★arranged newest to oldest★

36th entry:December 24th, 2020: 2:06 pm

jesus christ i was upset in my last entry,,, sorry about that umm yeah i feel kinda bad i put yall thru that. i feel a lot better now,, still kinda thinking obout drugs alot but yknow, its like that.,,. yule was great and my family is doing christmas tmrw so yay for material possesions,.. i still havent spoken 2 anyone 4 like weeks {except 4 that time when i was high on opiods and dmed one of my friends asking to call,.., what do u think happened?? yeah nothing,, but thats ok}..i hav a mullet now!!! ive been growing it out :) an i think it looks pretty sexy,.,. i also lost alot of weight which i shouldnt be happy about but i am,, i need to work on that.,,. I ordered a spike choker on amazon on Nov. 7th and it said it would get here yesterday,, but it didnt n im kinda worried they ripped me off lol,.,

wish i could spend the holidays with ppl i liked,.., this kinda sux but im in an overwhelmingly positive mood and will probably be 4 the next few hours so it wont get me down,.,. at leat not rn

35th entry:December 12th, 2020: 11:54 am

i wasnt meant for this world, or maybe it was more of a nurture thing. i really thought i was getting better there, and in a way i guess i am. im nicer but at what cost. right now im craving drugs which is shitty because before december i had been sober for a long time..,. as soon as i try one thing it all comes rushing back. i feel so inadequate.. im not cool enough or nice enough or interesting enough and sometimes i dont even know who i am. its scary and i hate it and i hate myself. thre days ago i got drunk and cut myself because i felt like i deserved it,.., thats different than it used to be, i used to cut just to show people or to see the blood or to feel the pain but this time i felt like this is just what i got.., i really do mean well and i dont know how people pecieve me and the only people who will talk to me now are the bitches who want a gbf. i avent had a real friend for months and i feel numb, not even lonely anymore. should i even make an effor to talk to people when at this poinmt i know they won't answer.. i don't know if the people i talked to knew how much they meant to me,, i hate my body, i hate my chest and my stomach and my thighs and my teeth and my dick and my ass. maybe if i wasnt ugly people wouldt talk to me.

yule is soon and i haven't made any presents or baked anything yet. i kepp putting it off but i know that i won't,. how long will i be able to give my grandparents presents before they die and leave.. i think the reason i wanted to kill myself is so no one could leave me first.

i didnt get the job and i don't think i want one yet anyway.. having money would just enable me

34th entry:November 18th, 2020: 8:25 pm

holy shit i haven't written in a while!,,, a lot has happened but i dont remember much of it which suxz :((
ive kept my door this whoole time,., im super suprised but thats great,, i still have like no fuckin friends but im learning 2 live w/ that.. my grades are absolute shit but im working on it, even tho it makes me rlly stressed.. i figured out that my memory and my trailing of in the middle of senteces is so bad bc of my meds so im gonna go to half dose on the topamax..

OMG IT WAS SO WEIRD,,, the girl that i wuz best friends with until like 6th grade and then had a falling out with in 7th tried to have a "no contact order" put on me but my mom stood up 4 me, thanks mom :), and so they made the no contact thing mutual,,
for context she thinks she has ptsd from me? umm idk i hope she doesnt [all i can say is she was super manipulative and toxic with me as a friend, and that when we had our "break up" even tho i was awful to her she was and has been terrible to me since]

I JUST HAD A JOB INTERVEIW YESTERDay too so thats cool :)) i rlly hope i get it,.. i want munny

33nd entry: October 22th, 2020: 10:26 am

sorry that i havent written for a while,, idk why i havent, i just kinda lost motivation to do it and then stopped. ive been feeling fine generally which is weird because a lot of annoying shit has been happening,, maybe im just blocking it all out 2 make myself feel bettr idk,, im super fucking behind at school and its really fucking gross bc i really want to believe i have goals and aspirations in life but its getting harder when i cant even do the simplest of shit. ive been going back to hybrid school and all ive really been doing there is making myself look bad. i keep waving a ppl who dont like me, and all they do is glare, as they should, but i was reallty just trying to be nice,,, i wish we were still friends,, i feel so alone and theyre so cool and everyone is better than me and im worried what's gonna happen when im alone. i really really miss them.
but i got my door back, and it has been good to have the schedule of hybrid and stuff. i hope one of these days i can leave.

this is just an edit so it shows up on the activity page

32nd entry: October 4th, 2020: 9:11 am

ive been pretty normal for the past few days which is really weird for me,, i feel like something bad is going to happen soon bc of it, ive been getting alot of suicidal uges tho and idk why bc i havent gotten rlly suicidal in a while,, i sprayed odor remover and vinegar on my carpet yesterday because it still smelled awful from my semi depressive episode,, now it smells a lot better and so does my room :),, this upcoming week im not doing online school bc the freshman r doing in person hybrid school by themselves so i hope i can catch up on my hw,,, idk i really feel kinda useless. at least when i'm having problems i have a pupose, but right now i cant even get up the fuckin nerve to try to break the tension btween me n one of my friends,,, idk if we even r friends nymore and thats the problem. i feel so bad,, i was kind of passive aggressive dick and now i think hes going thru it [not bc of me] and i really wanna be there 4 him but im so pathetic.. whatever, im gonna keep trying to be positive and maybe it will work out :]

31st entry: September 30th, 2020: 12:44 pm

hybrid school schedule starts again on october 16 for me,, im not as apprehensive as i was and i dont think it will be tht bad cause i think their schedules gonna be good and safe yknow,,., i feel like total shit today but that's completely my fault,, not gonna say why just in case but ill be ok. today is the day i have off from onling classes but the teachers still assign work n i dont like it cause im not that motivated to do things unless i have an upfront reason to overide my procrastination and fear of failing, plus im super fucking bad at math even though i was good at it last year:{{,,.,, yesterday i asked if one of the ppl i know if he had plans and he said he did and he asked i if could come before i said i wanted to,, i can't tell if it was to be a dick or not but im not upset about it for once,, im glad my friends r happy n have ppl to talk to,, i know how shitty it feels to be alone

30th entry: September 26th, 2020: 8:06 pm

well i cleaned my room and listened to some like happy music so like idk i feel like things might start being better,, i also started taking my meds again 2 nights ago, [in a normal, good way] so i feel kinda good i guess,, i still have a lot of overdue homework but i'll start doing that tmrw bc 2day im super tired an need a break,, and yes im procrastinating and being avoidant but it's fine :],, i still rlly mis him and all of them,, i'll get over it soon hopefully.. i wish i was more detached but that would suck as well i guess.

earlier that day: 10:39 am

my mom is so fucking gross. sometimes i love her and thats the goddamn problem, she demeans me and compares me to the other dumbass kids, (who, btw, should also be in therapy with the shit they have gone throuhgand the shit one of them says),.,. and she only cares about me when im doing things for her,, bc when i do things for myself she doesnt give a shit.. yknow i am sick and fucking tired of her telling me to stop having "temper tantrums" when she isn't there, doesnt know what's happening and shouldnt trey to be involdved if shes just going to b mean,, i am not three and its uncalled for and istg it makes her sound like such a cunt like really,, and her fucking bf with his stupid name and his stupid face and his stupid little offhand remarks about things that he knwos i have trouble with.. he always fucking hypes her up so much and if they come out and try and have a "logical" discussion with me one more time wher ethey twist the fatcs and make me sound bad and feel bad idk i hate her. but they'll never stop theyl never stop hounding me and milking me for every littl esingle last drop of fucking compassion and work and time for them i have left. id ont care if you are succesful mom. leave me the fuck alone. that argument never works "everything you see aorund you is from me".,,. like yeah are you gonna leave me one the side of the street thanks 4 the bare minimum,, i hate u with all my soul....
maybe you shouldnt have tried so hard to have kids if this was all you were going to do with them.

29th entry: September 24th, 2020: 11:55 am

ive been feeling really shit.
i officially have like no friends and i really sucks,,, my room is a shithole, it smells like cat pee bc of all of the dirty clothes on the ground, and it's hard to walk arond and find school supplies.,, i literally have a bottle of pee that's just been sitting in the corner of my room for like 3 days n i dont feel like emptying it. sometimes i feel actrually gret but those times last 4 like an hour and then i go back to thinking about how i am observed and real and how that is simultaneosly very comforting and also makes me want to die,,. they took away my fucking scale so idk how much i weigh bc they "need it for the other kids" but why couldnt thety have just kept it in the main bathroom then,, i've been havign like one meal a day bc im not hungry anymore.. i WAN TTO LEAVE I CANT BE HERE ANYMORE. its too gross im a burden i keep botherign ppl and i wot stop until they answer which they wont bc no one likes me and i jsut can t fucking take it.

28th entry: September 16th, 2020: 12:04 pm

i didn't eat yesterday, and for some reason im literally not even hungry,,, maybe it's because ive stoped taking the 2 meds that cause weight gain, the only one i am taking is the one that can cause weight loss,, i've been in this really weird mood lately, i've been dissasociating way worse than usual to the point where i've been like semi losing time n looking in mirrors is like unpleaseant,.,. i've also been super anxious but also angry and energetic, but also upset in sad empty way,,. like mood swings, but like rlly fast ones that are more like reactive yknow
i kinda was thinkng about dying
i really need to get back on my meds but that will make me gain weight an i hate HATE being fat,.on the other hand last night i hheard a whooshing in my ears (it was just because of high blood pressure bc i took to much of my meds) but for like at least 5 seconds i thought it was specifically a god or higher being whispering to me,.., i'm like kinda worried.

edit, 5:32 pm: i officially haven't eaten anything except a banana and half an orange for 48 hrs,, and i still dont feel fucking hungry i am so confused

27th entry: September 15th, 2020: 11:52 am

school makes me sad,,. its not the homework or even like the classes (pfft im updating this in the middle of science class) but its that i keep having to see ppl that i used to be friends with b4 we had like fallouts n stuff,.,. its either that or i just dont hav friends in the other fucking classes,,,, i have to deal with the gross ugly fact that im probably goign to end up totally alone and that rn im basically already isolated,.,.i keep wanting to talk to them ,, any of them but its useless, they wont reply,.,. im just useless and ill always be second because of my traits,.,. if i changed it wouldnt even matter bc ppl already think im awful,,,,

she said she wasnt gonna jusde me 4 the things she heard,.,.what had she heard?,, ,,he said we should get lunch,, thta was like a month ago :( ,.,. i know im terribl;e to be around but why wont people even try?
also fuck why wont my fucking audio work on zoom its getting rlly annoying >:(

26th entry: September 8th, 2020: 5:31 pm

school like just started,., its actually not that bad since we're doing synchronous this yr instead of the shit we did last year *arghgghh*,, im super exited 4 human psych :),.,.i have no one i know n like in any of the classes i took 2day tho so that fucking sucks.,,. bc i rlly rlly miss having ppl to talk to,.,. guess i deserve it tho,,, a couple days ago i was feeling so fucking upset at one of my friends. i always have had this super deep seated fear of ppl leaving me, whether its by dying or just fuckin leaving, doesnt matter,.,. N E WAYZZ i was feeling so destroyed and empty because he's been ignoring me and being just fuckin awful about being a friend,. (theyre acting like me when im upset and lonely and it scares me and makes want to die),. i went on my vent page on instagram which i KnOW he follows and i posted some kinda personal and private dms that he sent me while he may or may not of been high (i say "may" because i always use being drunk n high as an excuse 2 spill feelings so he prolly wasnt super high),.,. n i definitely know he saw them bc he sees all my posts he just doesnt like any of them,.,. n since then all hes been listening to is fucking mitski :(( like jesus im sorry,.,. i feel awful, i was just mad and all i wanted was to talk and make up,, GOD WHY CANT I FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS SHIT?!?!,, its easy 4 other ppl?!?,,,, i weigh like 205 i think so thats good at least. i basically havent been eating anything n when i stand up im lightheaded but thats fine,.,. i still have like traces of man boobs so we arent gonna eat anything above 1500-1800 per day i guess :)

25rd entry: September 1st, 2020: 2:35 pm

school is in 7 days n i am not too happy about it :).
for 1 my mom still hasnt told me whether she's making me go to the hybrid program (where i would be in school half the time and online the other half) or not. i rlly rlly dont wanna go n i dont think theyll make me, which is good :)). im kinda nervous of how this yrs gonna go

for 2, none of my fucking friends have talked to me 4 like weeks and whenever i try to talk to them or ask thenm to like hang out or shit they fucking ignore me,.,. like i rlly hate the fact that tay all fucking care about me so little that even when i put in effort they blow me the fuck off :),.,. al o fthem probably have different reasons,.,.LIKE THIS ONE he fucking ignored my dms for 6 days straight and then fucking bitched about how hes sad :( and he does drugs :(( ,.,. LIKE BITCH ur mental illness doesnt give u the right to be a giant cunt, we all have fucking issues like i get it we are literally the same person personality-wise but u cant do that,,

lucid edit:: god i hate how i get when i get upset and hurt,, why can ppl hurt me so easily, fuck nvm.,,. when we go back to real school i won't have friends bc im fucking repulsive and everyone leaves

24rd entry: August 28, 2020: 8:54 pm

i wasnt going to write but what's the point of having this site if im not going to use it? i just cried 4 the first time in months... idk exactly what i was crying about but it was probably something like the fearfulness and impermanece of life,.,. everyone leaves. ive never been able to get over that fact,.,. shit im crying again. ive been listening to somgs ong reapeat and its hurting me. i think i might kill myself,, but the whol ereason i feel shitty is that i miss being little, i miss having potential and being happy and not having to worry. i dont want to grow up and i dont want to die and i dont want to live and idk what i want. i want a hug,,.

23rd entry: August 27, 2020: 3:26 pm

sorry 4 not writing in a while :( not much has been happening lol,.,. i got in a tiny fight with my stepdad, and i havent seen any of my friends in so long... i havent even talked to them online,,. my room is rlly messy but i stil feel fine. my mom might make me go to the hybrid school program (when it starts) with all the other kids with 504's even though i could handle online school. she makes me feel stupid,.,. i have therapy today,, i dont know what ill say,.,.
on a different note im fucking done with "not liking politics" and am a scary libertarian socialist now :)

207.5 lbs

22nd entry: August 19, 2020: 9:51 am

i feel pretty great 2day,.,. i might ask some1 to go on a walk w me to hang out and 2day is the first day of my diet :), well not rlly cause i started it yesterday but its the first day im telling yall about it :),.,. i still kinda feel lonely and a lil sad but its way better than the past week yknow,.,. im tryna keep a positive attitude n stuff and bc of that i feel like 2day will be gr8,.,. i wonder how long this will last haha cause it usually doesnt

209.0 lbs

21st entry: August 18, 2020: 12:02 pm

fuck her,., idk if this was bait... it probably was, it doesnt matter.. but she talks about me to her little stupid pretentious "i have intrusive thoughts n cut myself for attention n talk like im keysmashing constantly" bullshit friends online... i just remebered that i asked her to go on my website from her phone a while back so maybe shes been reading all of these... who knows, however... if you're reading this, i really honestly request that you go away... you arent funny :)... you arent cute for thinking thinking violence and intrusive thoughts are "quirky" for lack of a better term, or for saying you would "be calm in a life or death situation" and then mere hours later being unable to handle the smallest amounts of pain without being a giant bitch to everyone around you... just stop... i dont care if i'm semi related to you, if you do not chill the hell out with your little pals i will never speak to you again.
shit, that may even be a win win for both of us bc she seems so bent on pretending that she doesnt like speaking to ppl

209.0 lbs

20th entry: August 16, 2020: 3:23 pm

idk im fine now,., we went on a 3 day hike/camp n i feel better.,.,. i wish even a single person tried to talk to me when i wuz gone tho.. lol thats asking too much tho bc i cant expect anyone to like me enough to initiate,.,. i think i might go to sleep,.,. sorry 4 everyone who saw all that shit about my friends and therapist, i was kinda going crazy lol

212.5 lbs

19th entry: August 6, 2020: 7:06 pm

a message to p:
im just gonna leave this here..,,.i feel like it is time for you to back off,.,. i dont care if you think its justified bc it isnt,., you once said you wanted closure and this certainly isnt that,.,. this is causing me more emotional distress than it is preventing, and every time you turn people against me you are just proving my point,.,. ive tried to stay away out of respect for you but we havent spoken in years and it is still effecting me,.,. i am and was not perfect but i do not deserve this,.,.,. i think it is time we spoke or at least time that you reevaluted your descisions. it is unfair to think that i have not changed, to put me and ur friends in this uncomfortable situation,.,. or that you, as a normal person, even have the right to claim dictatorship over a situation,.,. this is just like you were in 5th grade when i wanted new friends,.,. next thing you know youll be crying and telling me its all your fault,.,. which it is

221.0 lbs

18th entry: August 5, 2020: 6:45 am

i have band camp 2day lol (ITS COVID SAFE,.,. THEYRE TAKING LOTS OF PRECAUTIONS ie: screening, masks distancing),.,. ew looking 4ward to all the fuckin creepos trying to talk to me again :).,.,. real talk tho i hope sum of the freshman r gonna cool or at least of yknow bc all my friends quit bands and last yr the only ppl i talked to were the seniors,.,. now that theyve graduated im gonna be all alone unless i find sum freshies that r like ok to talk to sumtimes. i found this rlly cool mp3 player from 2007 in a dead hoarders stash that we got,.,. since i dont have a phone itll be gr8 to listen to music outside of my room >:) it looks like this:

17th entry: July 30, 2020: 9:14 am

im not gonna eat 2day besides the black coffee i just had,.,. i wanna see if i can do it or like not yknow.,.,. im gonna drink water tho cause drinking water is good
edit: it didnt work :))

16th entry: July 27, 2020: 9:53 am

my internet has been restored and almost everything is great :)) idk what he scheduling of the important stuff thats happening tmrw is tho so im a lil worried but im sure it will be sorted,.,.i had a rlly rough time last night,.,. idk why but like i feel way better now. i made a shrine for clem which is super cool,.,. might add to that + i wanna make a shrine 4 all my great frinds bc i luv them!! im gunna ask them first tho.

upset edit: why do i feel the need to ruin a good day by thinking about shit that makes me sad and self loath? as soon as i feel happy i have to go and get rid of that with wanting to be sad and drink n shit gahh,.,. not to mention i draw no happiness from being sexual anymore,.,. all it does is fuckign dopamine and not even that at this point,.,. and as soon as im done i just hate myself and the entire concept more than b4,.,. yuck

15th entry: July 23, 2020: 8:22 pm

my parents apparently have me on a new internet schedule that theyre figuring out so if i dont update as much don't be surprised :((
im gonna go on a few walks w my friends tmrw and saturday hopefully so i might write about those...

14th entry: July 22, 2020: 7:44 pm

nm happened today,.,. yesterday my friend cancelled on me and made me miss some of the work that i do for my mom so i had to make that up 2day,.,. but it was so dum, i wanted to hang out w my friend 2day but since i had to make up the work for my mom she took away my internet so i couldnt contact my friend >:(( im rrly kinda pissed off like she just made me work scraping paint for 4 hrs and took away my internet all day so i couldnt talk to anybody.,. dead dies >;)

i cant wait to get out of here but at the same time i never want to leave,.,. fuck, god i hate myself

i rlly do luv my mom,.,. but she's so hard to deal with...

13th entry: July 19, 2020: 8:33 am

EVERYTHING IS OK,.,. im so relieved. everything will work out great... im so happy,.,. i went to see my grandmother at her lakehoues yesterday and we swam and talked and it was so great thta she was ok :),.,. i got super sunburned lol. today im probably going to just help around the house and relax.,.,. but im in such a good mood for the first time in a while.,, usually im just kinda blehh u know but rn i feel SO GREAT >:)),.., ppl dont want me feeling like this all the time bc then i would be too powerful!!
EDIT: starts crying for 15 mins and then feels better
EDIT: what is she even doing we used to be friends just say whhat u wanna say and move on bro,.,. yeah sure u wann abe friends.,.,. and what do u have to show for it,.,. ok whatever we can pretend to like each other and not have a power dynamic fine sure ok

12th entry: July 17, 2020: 8:05 am

well this is gonna be stressful,.,. i cant talk about it anymore bc ive been told not to but i rlly hope everything turns out alright,.,. im worried it wont but i guess i feel rlly bad abotu the whole situaiton and nothing has happened since so thats the best we can do :),.,.
in other news im going to see my grandmother this weekend,.,. im so excited :)) i luv my grandma but since she lives in massachusetts we havent been able to go see her.,,. but shes gonna go out into the forest to her little lake house so we can see her :)) even so we arent gonna go inside her house bc we rlly wanna make sure shes alright,.,. i luv her smmm i hope shes ok!

11th entry: July 15, 2020: 8:56 pm

i luv being like this.,.the past couple days have been rlly tough nd i am so done with everything,.,. no one wants to fucking talk to me bc im so loud and ugly and opinionated. at least i have my stuff and my music,.,. i want to die buried in stuff listening to loud music. not being able to see my walls or floor or ceiling makes me feel safe. nothing else here makes me feel safe except food.,,. but that stopped working when my appetite dropped. i kinda just wanna sleep but ik ill just have nightmares i wont remember that will keep me up,.,. i tried to go get sum beadz to bead sum safety pins for my friends but shes just so mean,.,. i just cant deal with this,.,. i just realized im gettin a lil tan and u can see my scars from middle school and earlier this year,.,. dies

tenth entry: July 12, 2020: 3:40 pm

sorry i havent been updating my diary that much.,,. lol nothings really been happening,.,. im going to do an online language class for the next 2 weeks tho so u might hear less of me :((.,.,. in other news my apetites dropped off a whole bunch.,. i feel like i dont even need to eat anymore,.,. its because of my meds >:)),. theyre supposed to get rid of ur appetite,.,. ive already lost 5 pounds in like a week so im glad,.,. only like 40 to go fucking fattass,.,. anyway
my friend might want a website and i think thats super cool cause this shit is sex as hell! theyre so cool god why cant i be better

EDIT: I AKSED IF I COULD FOLLOW THEIR BAND ACCOUNT IM SO STUPID,.,. why cant i just leave things alone.,,. i care about her and i put her in an awkward position by asking that :(

ninth entry: July 9, 2020: 8:46 am

i went on a walk with my friend last night (like the one who i wrote about last entry) bc they felt better:)) im rlly happy that they seemed ok,.,. it was a sexy ass walk n we talked sm about a lot of different shit,.,. but then when i got home my mom was like "you have a curfew of 9:00!" (even tho i don't) and then she fucking drug tested me not once but fucking twice >:(( even tho ive been sober for like 4-5 months,.,. SHE FUCKING BREATHALYZED ME,.,.,. AND MADE ME PEE IN A CUP,.,.. lIKE WTFFF im not fucking up for this rn, just bc ur "worried",.,.,. UR NOT WORRIEd u just want to intimidate me god i hate when u do this ;)

eighth entry: July 7, 2020: 6:31 pm

i just updated a lot but neocities wont let me see all my updates in this browser >:(( this is so dum,.,. maybe after it says i updated on my feed it will fix itself
in other news, one of my friends, the one i talked about in my 3rd entry.,. says hes super deppressed and i wouldnt be worried but like hes realy unstable at the best of times,.,. and i rlly like talking to him and hes so cool and i hope hes gonna be alright :( god im so dum idk what to do,.,.,. when i get unstable and sad and lonely expect ppl to know what to do but then idk what to do when other ppl are like that,.,. god im so useless.,.,. but hes gonna be alright :) ik he will.

seventh entry: July 4, 2020: 9:06 pm

fuck the US bro,.,. god ew i hate these fucking pricks,.,. shut the hell up with ur fireworks ur not cool,.,. u didnt pass a test to be born here bitch why are u proud of where u live, its just a place,.,.,.,. not to mention the fucking shit that goes on that all yall probably blatantly support,.., shut the fuck up confederate flag ass bitch,.,..,,. >:(( im mad!!

sixth entry: June 28, 2020: 8:56 am

me n my friends keep havign rlly nice convos online,.,. i rlly missed them,.,. my ap us history essay was cancelled for over the summer and im kinda happy about it,.,.,. too much too think about,.,. if we dont go back to school at least semi normally im gunna be pretty sad tho,.,. ppl online r being fucking annoying cause they dont know how shit works and theyre fuckin discriminating and gatekeeping and ugh whateva nvm.,. but like besides that i feel pretty great for a change haha...

fifth entry: June 26, 2020: 4:42 pm

today was pretty much a big fucking nothing.,,. i slept the whole time and i feel awful. ik why but im kinda scared somebody's gonna find this website so im not gonna say :) anyway my friend couldnt come over and im really fucking sad about it... idk not much else to be said

9:40 pm EDIT: i just had a rlly random but nice convo w the friends gc that i made,.,. im kinda sad its over but im super tired and i need sleep

fourth entry: June 25, 2020: 7:13 pm

i dont know what to do,.,.., they made a girl band and it just makes me so mad,.,. ik im being selfish but i used to be such fucking good friends with P.H. and seeing all of them have fun when the friend i wanted to talk to said they couldnt even come over,.,. idk i feel like crying,.,. i havent cried in month but just seeng her makes me so sad,.,. she controls u and then chews u up and spits u out like trash and,.,. i wish someone would take my side for once,.,. i cant fucking deal with the memories of P.H. glaring at me and im just so alone. and i treated her so bad,.,. GOD IM SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON.,.,. all of my friends chose her over me and i dont see why thats a bad choice,.,.

third entry: June 25, 2020: 11:36 am

i think today im feeling a bit better than yesterday,.,. we got ac installed so my room is cooled down and i can wear layers and long sleeves again.,,.,. i added a entry site to my website and i rlly like it,.,. centipedes r sexy mfs. i invited a friend over tmrw so ill probably write about how that goes,.,. i can't tell whether hes good for me or not. he has so many problems like mine and i cant tell whether it helps or hurts to have him around :(( sobbing,.,. anyway i have therapy today... i used to rllly like her but she isnt helping anymore.,,.,. is she just realizing what im like after all this time,.,.

EDIT: they wont fucking diagnose me and i wanna die,.,.,. i mean literally its not that hard wtf,.,. i've been diagnosed w "generalized anxiety disorder" since i was fucking five,.,. its innacurate and unhelpful >:((

second entry: June 24, 2020

today i woke up fucking weird,.,. my hearts been pounding all day and i feel even more neurotic than normal,.,. i hate summer. today i have alcohol counseling but its going to be so fucking useless,.,. i like her but we never have anything to talk about. my memory is shit,.,. ive been pausing in the middle of sentences because im so stupid and braindead,.,. i used to be called fucking gifted >:(,.., what the hell happened to that,.,. even when i was smart no one liked me though so like whatever. fucking fatty.

first entry: June 23 2020

i'm really happy how my website is comin along,.,.,. im getting back into html really fast,.,. i have therapy in a couple days and i might tell her aabout this but i might not cause i'll probably start venting here soon enough,.,. i hate telling my therapist things. anyway, im really excited cause im gonna go on a diet cause im fat haha.,. ill keep yall updated on that... although ill prolly just give up and go back to overeating soon >:((.... im just gonna put a big VENT WARNING on my whole journal page probably,.,. sorry...

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congrats,.,.u reached the bottom

this website was started on:

june 20th, 2020...