★the eam archives...★

eam's journal/vent:
★minor cw/tw for my journal★

i use this place to process and improve
★arranged newest to oldest★

3rd entry: April 2nd, 2024:1:34PM

Hello sexies!! my 19th birthday was friday the 29th!! i went to a birthday party with my close family at my grandmas house and it went quite well, i love seeing my grandparents and my mom. i was really tearful all day (birthdays are always hard, almost increasingly so). besides my bithday life has been overwhelming and hard to get through, but i have the feeling that after this period of hardship that things will start to look up. I mean even just statistically it must at some point. the weather being so warm recently has felt really wrong on a some sort of subconcious level lol. im still glad the sun is out more though, as it seems to be helping me to feel better more consistently. i have been trying to go on more adventures to keep myself less sad and so far it has kind of been working. i met the most beautiful little black cat and we are friends now, hes so cute and seeing him occasionally keeps me happy. ive been feeling like complete shit emotionally to be quite honest. a lot of shame and guilt is hitting me all at once and i need to work on dealing with distress. im also completely unused to having to deal with my own finances and that has been adding a lot of stress. my EBT has ran out and im currently dealing with gettin gthat back as i have been hungry for a couple days. sometimes it feels like im getting yanked through life by a fishing line tied around my neck, sometimes it feels like i need to be tied down by the ankles so i don't fly away. im hoping soon life will even out to a generalized content, even a sense of security or connection would be good. im not complaining though because im still doing a shit ton better than i was. i still smoke weed way too much and am trying to cut down. When i get the chance ill upload pics of my new fully set up room, im really proud of how cute and cozy it is for me

yours forever - e

2nd entry: February 27th, 2024:10:35AM

hello im back once again. life has been really weird recently. every day i miss my cat more. i actually cried about it, which is great bc i havent cried for months, and it felt good to let it out. i moved into a shared apartment which is so fucking sick. i have a lock on my room and a mini fridge and these awesome windows that vault out and get so much natural light. i may upload some pictures of it if i get around to it. its been kind of a double edged sword though because i started smoking weed again and it went downhill quite fast. i have a ton of shame wrapped up in my substance abuse and that snowballed it and almost immediately i was smoking every day. its upsetting because i do believe that i could be able to just keep it to weekends or less but i guess in practice im still not ready to risk it. every time i have smoked it makes me feel incredibly bad about myself and i actually was kind of starting to enjoy feeling good about myself and working on the things i need to work on to become a better person and move my life forward. i've been so so so lonely too and its really eating away at me being unable to see all the people and things i love. ive started talking to my chilhood stuffed animal and my plants and telling them my feelings and asking for advice because theres really no one else to listen. its been pretty cathartic actually. my job has been complete ass, theyre being dicks to me and even though i was hired as "nothing under 20hrs/week" ive been getting like 8 hours a week for the last 2 weeks. i really need a new job, im going broke trying to not be homeless. its simultaneously felt as if im learning so much and nothing at all. i do feel like i've been making a couple breathroughs though. i hope all of you have had a good february!!

until we meet again - e

1st entry: January 30th, 2024:8:58PM

hi guys. i said i would recap last year in my last entry so i will do that first. since my last actual update i have graduated highschool, been ghosted and talked shit about by almost all of my "friends", went to rehab, been homeless and living in an abondones apartment building, went to rehab again and am now in sober living. my year has been kind of hell but ive changed so much its actually really frightening . im no longer the starry eyed, hopeful but also detrimentally self destructive, self loathing, perpetually depressed and upset and angry and drug addicted kid i was when i started this site almost 4 years ago. it was 2020 and i had just turned 15. part of me misses him, and part of me loathes him for prolonging my pain so unnecessarily long, to where i am now. its weird how so much can change but yet so much never will. i think im going to do a whole site overhaul when i get around to it as this site no longer reflects who i am. the part of my soul that feels this vibrant was slowly deprived of air at my own hand. i feel like my life started skewed. people always talk about how life is like the seasons, childhood being spring, young adulthood summer etc. i feel like when i was born i was born into late summer, and my preteen and teen years were autumn, which is now giving away to a spiritual winter of sorts. i hope i emerge washed clean and with new maturity to face the oncoming spring. i miss doing things i love, though sometimes i barely remember what those things are. i miss my cat so bad it hurts. i miss my mom which is strange,as i always told myself i would leave and never look back. i guess that was a lie. i really love her. my best friend alli has stuck by my side, i love her with all my heart. we get upset with each other and i feel bad after. i wish i could hold her so hard that our hearts and mind became one but i will make do with sitting at her house watching tv and talking to her rats. sober living is sapping me of my life force, not because im sober but because the people here and the system has forced me to compress in on myself and to put up walls so i dont get upset. it is truly so draining to be made worse and be told this should help me recover. i stay hopeful that i can leave soon

stay lovely - e