★the eam archives...★

eam's journal/vent:
★minor cw/tw for my journal★

i need a place to talk, that's all
★arranged newest to oldest★

2nd entry: June 28th, 2022:4:57pm

HII!! i know i've been gone for a long time, and im sorry about that. i've been going through a lot and havent had the energy or motivation to update my site for a while. but im back!!! i'm promising myself that as one of my goals over the summer i'll update more. anyways, a lot has happened while ive been gone, most of it bad :( first off my mom had breast replacement surgery to get rid of the risk of cancer. she has been basically bedridden for a while. I've been really worried about her, although now thats shes home almost all the tinme ive been able to start productive and mature conversations with her, which is definitely a silver lining. My parents said they were gonna strip my room bare to make it easier to search if i wasnt sober over the summer, and although i resent that as an idea and action it may have actually helped bc i am finally beginning the path to being sober :))!!! even if i havent reached my goal yet i've given myself until the end of summer to get at least mostly sober. I think im finally starting to accept that things change and that i can't do anything about some of it, but that the things i can influence are my power in life. I feel like im at a tipping point between childhood and adulthood, and im happy im becoming more mature. that being said i'm going to try shrooms soon as one of the last substances i will use. im hoping that my trip gives me insight on how i feel, how i can persist as a sober being, and maybe even shine light on my relationship issues
all the best!! ♡ -eam

please have good day or sleep well, it would mean alot. -eam

1st entry: February 4th, 2022: 7:04pm

hi, i hope you all are doing well. i honestly don't know how im doing, or how i've been doing since my last entry in december. so much has hapened in the last 2 months and i cant really summarize everything. plus it would be annoying to read and no one cares. i really missed being on this site, and i think im going to come back. i really hope i do but if i say i will ill just dissapoint myself when i don't. i really hate dichotomies, ive been struggling with the fact that i simultaneously crave a good life, and that i love life and so much about this world, and the fact that i have an unquenching thirst for self destruction. i can't do anything right and it feels like ive ended before i even started. like im looking through a window at all the things i could be and the love and joy and happiness i could experience but the windows locked and i threw away the key. i have an overwhelming sense that im not fully present and that everything i say and do just makes everyone want to leave me. yet i can't stop being a fucking loser, because if i did i wouldn't know what to do instead. i hate it i hate it and i don't know what to do. no one likes me even if they say they do and i have no useful skills of talents, just intelligence and creativity that im slowly chipping away at eveytime i get drunk or high. and i want to say that this is a really low point in my life but it isn't. sometimes i cant remember a time when i didnt feel like this. i love everthing yet im slowly removing myself from the picture. ive lsot so many people just because i don't know how to be fucking decent, and i'm finally realizing how much i envy people with even 1 good friend, someone who thay can talk to when they feel sad, or when they feel happy. someoe thay can even invest just a small amount of their time and love into without it backfiring. i'm no longer even funny, i can't ever think of what to say to bring people joy. so i just sit in my stupid beautifil lovely room that i handcrafted and do drugs until i die. i want to feel the sun on my face and taste the air and laugh with people and love the plants and the animals and the sky. but all i can do is sit here alone making a mess. i hate not being able to love right, not being able to be there, i hate being here all alone.
please have good day or sleep well, it would mean alot. -eam