★the eam archives...★

eam's journal/vent:
★minor cw/tw for my journal★

i need a place to talk, that's all
★arranged newest to oldest★

4th entry: October 1st, 2022:12:56pm

im still in rehab. im gonna be here a lot longer than i expected too, my mom says maybe even until january. my 75 days sober is starting to seem less and less important. I hate being here i hate myself and i hate everyone else hating me. WHy does everyone think im such a fucking loser. no one wants me and i deserve it. both my fucking personality and mood disorders are acting up hella, i feel really powerless to help myself and a lot of the time i dont really want to. without drugs my life just seems like a big fucking torturous joke. the thing i hate the most about not being able to self medicate with alc and other shit is that i have to think and when i think i get attached to people and then they fucking leave me and it never even fucking matter. i hate time and i hate the world turning and the seasons changing. Ive been so self destructive recently, and i cant tell if im just doing it for attention of if i genuinly just want to die {weight talk coming up} i've lost like 30 pounds in that last 3 weeks, and part of me feels like i should be happy, like ecstatic because i finally look the way i kind of want. but then i remember its fucking unhealthy and that im just s tarving myself out of a vain hope for something i cant really grasp. I met a couple people here in treatment that i really love at least. even that sucks though because when i love someone i just turn toxic asf. ive been making myself feel like shit thinking about the future and telling myself that they hate me. on top of that i do so much for both of them. i really do try to be a good friend. sometimes i think i try to hard. i just genuinly cant get over the feeling that i both want and need their love and conversely dont't deserve even a fraction of their time. i really just want a hug, i miss my friends from home and my town so fucking bad. i feel like i'm spiraling all over again, but this time without drugs to blame it on the problem must just be me.
i love all of you so so much. thank you all for sticking with me so long :") - eam

3rd entry: August 25th, 2022:2:15pm

hey lol. currently writing this from computer in rehab teehee. a whole shit ton has been happening, most of it bad, but a lot of it good too. i didn't really get sober like i said i would. my friend took a long time to get the shrooms and during that time i was spiraling. i was using weed and alcohol from the time i woke up to the time i passed out. my parents ended up gutting my room. they never listen to me and they basically fucking suck at being parents. anyways, i had two suicide attempts after that. the second time i was really drunk and smashed my moms door because they took my vape. i felt really bad and basically decided that this was the end. i went to jump off a parking garage but i survived and went home, but by then they had already called the cops (sidenote: i fucking hate cops, especially the ones that picked me up because theyre pressing charges so i have to deal with court when i get home :(( ) they took me to the ER and then after 8 days there i went to a psych ward. I was there for 7 days and then i got transferred to a rehab in connecticut. i've been there since. i fucking miss my friends, its so hard to be basically alone and all i want is a hug from someone who cares right now. i've been working on my sobriety in here, or at least the urge to use constantly. i'm really glad it's not a 12 step program because i don't really vibe with them. anyways, i really hope i can go home soon. i miss my phone and i miss my vape, but i really really miss my friends. i get a 20 minute phone call every night but i haven'really been using it because i've been isolating. at least the therapy here is good, like really super good. i feel like ive done more work here in the last like 28 days than i have in my 10 years of outpatient. im even finally doing family therapy which is super good because i honestly believe my mom needs just as much help as i do if not more. my therapist here has been super validating of my struggles with my family. some days suck but sometimes i feel like i might have a future, maybe even a future without a ton of drugs. i hate feeling like a bad kid but hopefully i can manage to scrape up a good senior year
i love yall! until i write again! ♡ -eam

2nd entry: June 28th, 2022:4:57pm

HII!! i know i've been gone for a long time, and im sorry about that. i've been going through a lot and havent had the energy or motivation to update my site for a while. but im back!!! i'm promising myself that as one of my goals over the summer i'll update more. anyways, a lot has happened while ive been gone, most of it bad :( first off my mom had breast replacement surgery to get rid of the risk of cancer. she has been basically bedridden for a while. I've been really worried about her, although now thats shes home almost all the tinme ive been able to start productive and mature conversations with her, which is definitely a silver lining. My parents said they were gonna strip my room bare to make it easier to search if i wasnt sober over the summer, and although i resent that as an idea and action it may have actually helped bc i am finally beginning the path to being sober :))!!! even if i havent reached my goal yet i've given myself until the end of summer to get at least mostly sober. I think im finally starting to accept that things change and that i can't do anything about some of it, but that the things i can influence are my power in life. I feel like im at a tipping point between childhood and adulthood, and im happy im becoming more mature. that being said i'm going to try shrooms soon as one of the last substances i will use. im hoping that my trip gives me insight on how i feel, how i can persist as a sober being, and maybe even shine light on my relationship issues
all the best!! ♡ -eam

please have good day or sleep well, it would mean alot. -eam

1st entry: February 4th, 2022: 7:04pm

hi, i hope you all are doing well. i honestly don't know how im doing, or how i've been doing since my last entry in december. so much has hapened in the last 2 months and i cant really summarize everything. plus it would be annoying to read and no one cares. i really missed being on this site, and i think im going to come back. i really hope i do but if i say i will ill just dissapoint myself when i don't. i really hate dichotomies, ive been struggling with the fact that i simultaneously crave a good life, and that i love life and so much about this world, and the fact that i have an unquenching thirst for self destruction. i can't do anything right and it feels like ive ended before i even started. like im looking through a window at all the things i could be and the love and joy and happiness i could experience but the windows locked and i threw away the key. i have an overwhelming sense that im not fully present and that everything i say and do just makes everyone want to leave me. yet i can't stop being a fucking loser, because if i did i wouldn't know what to do instead. i hate it i hate it and i don't know what to do. no one likes me even if they say they do and i have no useful skills of talents, just intelligence and creativity that im slowly chipping away at eveytime i get drunk or high. and i want to say that this is a really low point in my life but it isn't. sometimes i cant remember a time when i didnt feel like this. i love everthing yet im slowly removing myself from the picture. ive lsot so many people just because i don't know how to be fucking decent, and i'm finally realizing how much i envy people with even 1 good friend, someone who thay can talk to when they feel sad, or when they feel happy. someoe thay can even invest just a small amount of their time and love into without it backfiring. i'm no longer even funny, i can't ever think of what to say to bring people joy. so i just sit in my stupid beautifil lovely room that i handcrafted and do drugs until i die. i want to feel the sun on my face and taste the air and laugh with people and love the plants and the animals and the sky. but all i can do is sit here alone making a mess. i hate not being able to love right, not being able to be there, i hate being here all alone.
please have good day or sleep well, it would mean alot. -eam