★the eam archives...★

eam's journal/vent:
★major/minor cw/tw for my journal★

i vent, get angry (less so now), and discuss mental health topics in my journals, so sorry if something is a little too much. also i'll get rid of things that i dont like anymore :)
★arranged newest to oldest★

10th entry: November 28: 11:46am

Hey!! i hope you are doing really well, whoever you are reading this!! i really missed being on here but life's been very hectic recently. hectic is actually an understatement, so much awful shit has happened since i wrote here last but i an everyone else invloved seem to have gotten through almost all of it pretty unscathed, which i am endlessly grateful for. but first, halloween went really great!! i had so so much fun w my friend, i love them so so much and we're closer now than before which is so good because i really missed them (they had moved away in 7th grade). we wnt trich or treating as mushrooms together and then we watched rock horror in my room eating candy and talking. i haven't felt so happy in a while. now on to the depressing shit.
my cat got kidney stones and he had to get sugery and he took a long time to recover which was very stressful for me. right now hes feeling much better though :>) his hair is growing back from surgery and hes going to get his stitches out soon!! but a few days after his surgery while he was still in bad condition my mom told me she had breast cancer, and the whole experience with that has been incredibly awful too for everyone in the house, but i think especially me and her. She was really torn up about it, and obviously rightfully so, and i think the whole thing really wore down on her mental state. then a couple weeks ago, about november 10th, while our cat was still feeling awful and mom was still waiting for surgery, i started to get really depressed, i relapsed on a a ton of drugs, and i was basically nonfunctional for weeks. I don't really remember much but i do remember that i was incredibly tired and freezing all the time, to the point where i would lie on the floor in school in a ball trying to get warm and sleep. i was also like an emotional mess and had these awful spiraling existential thoughts about love and death and i would cry all the time.
then finally my vyvanse, the morning med i take for adhd, ran out. the issue with this is that whenever ive stopped taking it befor ive had verry weird reactions to stopping, panic attacks, stff like that. when i stopped this time, i got even more sad, so i tried to drink to make myself feel better. but like combined with the drugs and the stress and depression, it was like this time i flipped this switch in my brain, and i had a 2 day long psychotic episode. my family is predisposed to psycosis so it makes sense, but it was still awful. i had all these delusions that there were people outside my house and that they were going to take me away to a wilderness program, which is like super fucking random but idk. i was completely out of touch with reality, i hallucinated things moving and weird smells. it sucked. but then i started to feel a little better, they upped my dose of abilify and that helped alot (except for the weight gain) and finally, 2 days before thanksgiving my mom got her surgery, by which point i was feeling almost back to normal. and the good part is that she is recovering really quickly, which is good bye itself but it also means we were both well enough by thanksgiving to go see our family. which has really cheeredme up a ton bc i love my grandparents so so much, and i think it really helped mom too
so right now, as i'm writing this, i feel really good about stuff. it may not last but im happy i feel good right now, and i think thats good enough. i hope whoever you are reading this has a wonderful day, and i hope you remeber to not to be to hard on yourself. Bye!! luv u!! (+_+)

9th entry: October 4: 5:44pm

yo whats up!! its the start of october and i really cant believe the year has flown by this quickly. i think my perception of time is getting fatser and faster as i get older (*_*) i hope youre all doing well!! im doing much better than i was last entry. my ability to cope with everday life has gotten much better and im a lot less hard on myself now. i still think about existenstial things sometimes but im getting alot better at talking myself out of negative thought loops and practicing acceptance fore the things i cant change :) school started almost a month ago and its going pretty well. i still feel myself getting behind but im gonna try to actively work on catching up. ive been making alot of friends and i feel pretty good for once about my social life!! im even friends with this freshman who oddly reminds me of a really close friend who just graduated. they act completely differently but idk, i just miss R (the one who graduated). ive even been sober from alcohol for 67 days!!! im super happy and proud of myself because this is ther longest ive been sober in years!! the only negative thing thats beens happening really is that ive somehow picked up smoking.. UGHHG. im so conflicted bc its terrible for me and i feel bad every time i do it but the buzz is nice and it helps me focus. plus, if im being brutally honest, im having trouble quitting bc i feel like it looks super cool. im trying to stop and im going to soon though because i dont want a lifelong habit like my grandfather. anyways, halloween is this month!!! if any of yall have suggestions of what i should be let my know because i am so excited!! halloween is my favorite holiday ::)) and i hope to go trick-or-treating with my friends this year bc i didn't last year. i really hope i can because im a junior in highschool so i only have this year and next year to trick-or-treat and then ill be too old. ill keep you updated on what happens on halloween!! anyways i gotta go to my music lesson so i love you all and have a great day/evening/night, wherever you are!!

8th entry: August 31: 7:38pm

hiya!! i missed writing here but ive just been so busy :>( school starts in 2 days so it's officially the end of the summer and the start of my junior year. im feeling kind of scared, not because im going back to school, although that is part of it which i will mention later in this entry, but because i thought about it and im graduating and moving out in just 21 months. thinking about leaving this town and this school and my family makes me think about how im going to grow old and die and so is everyone around me, and how the world is going to change and so will i. ive been thinking about that alot actually. my work has been really stressful but they gave me this week off accidentally so im glad i get a break although it gave me more time to alone to think which usually leads to a relapse. i relapsed on alcohol for about 5 days but i think im going to make an effort to stop because i really dont want to be a mess at school, and i think im finally ready to stop damaging myself. i forgot to take my antipsycotics and antidepressants for the last 3 nights so when i finally stopped drinking i had a meltdown over the current song of the day on here, "stoned at the nail salon" which i think kidna encapsulates both my fear and push for acceptance about growing up. anyways when i get back to school i really hope the social situation is better surrounding H. i don't know if theyve gotten over all the stuff that happened in 7th grade but i hope they have because i feel like im finally ready for closure. they said they wanted closure 4 years ago, that it was selfish for them to want it but they wanted it anyway. i think theyre selfish but for the opposite reason, but i wish them the best. im practicing compassion just like my therapist told me to because at the end of the day, the only person i can try to control is myself. plus, they still have alot of good qualities despite being a toxic friend, and i feel like its better to accept the bad in people and focus on the good when you remember them, if not for them then for yourself because it will make you happier and thats the goal. i hope when people think of me they will focus on the good too, but i dont blame them if they dont. i am flawed but something good about growing up is that i still have time to work on those flaws. even if growing up means that people around me will leave or die and that i will be alone or sad or old someday, i guess i should accept all that as part of life, and focus on the good and leading a life im proud of.

i love you all so much, sleep well and goodnight (^_^)

7th entry: July 21st, 2021: 11:54am

hello, me again! i've basically resigned to the fact that i'm not going to write here as often as i used to. i feel sad about not being as active but i'm glad im not going away entirely :^). would you miss me? idk don't answer that lol i don't wanna know. It's been over a month since my last entry and it feels liek so much and nothing at all has happened at the same time, dialectics i guess. we went on that roadtrip, it was super fun actually. we wen to chicago and a bunch of museums, to jellystone national park and the surrounding areas, and to some friends houses :). the best thing we did was go to "the house on the rock" which is the house of an eccentric built on this big rock formation that he kept expanding until he died, and then gave it to someone else to continue, so now it's just this giant nonsensical museum of this mans collections and interests and ideas with only one route which is miles long. it was honestly the most amazing and indescribable place i will probably ever go. i'll add some pictures of the trip in my photo album on here! besides that life has felt kind of like a dream, but not in a good or bad way, more like im just walking through it and nothing is ever the same or different. i feel very isolated, and whenever i bring myself to reach out to people in a meaningful way, like asking to hang out or just trying to start a conversation, i get snubbed because no one wants to be around me. i've had to kind of accept that in this current socioeconomic state we all live in, and in the current stage of life i'm in, that i'll just have to deal with craving close human interaction like i feel i used to have, and then not getting it. the veil of nostalgia over my past life is super heavy though because i've never gotten enough, and when i have tried shit always goes wrong.
on a completely different note i've taken up both botanical dyeing and plant and fungi collecting as a hobby, and im super happy withj all the stuff ive made so far. plus yesterday i found two huge mushrooms and i gave one 2 my friend and kept one 4 myself. ill insert a pic of that in my photo album too :)) have a great day!!! byee
holy fuck i need a hug

6th entry: June 8th, 2021: 1:29pm

Hiii,, i promised i would write here and so i am! yeah i've been a little absent, i think it's bc i got a phone so i stopped using my computer as much. i rlly don't know how i even had friends w out even a semi funtioning phone {i don' have service yet bc i have to pay 4 it myself}.. oh also, another reason that i haven't really been super active is that my mom caught me drunk so she took away my internet 4 a while so i just kinda lost motivation 2 update even after i got it back :-(.. oh yeah wtf!! i GOT A JOB!!:!:! yo i'm so excited to have money {even tho i dont agree with like anything about the socioeconomic sytem we live in},, but im a pretty materialistic person n having things makes me feel safer, probably bc of my upbringing, so im happy have money to do stuff w! i really hate the job tho, the managers r shit and my feet hurt :( {i work at market basket, which is umm a supermarket 4 ppl who don't live in the same region as me}. i've been doing pretty bad in school, n this is my last week so i think ill have to do summerschool, which sucks but i'll deal. i hope it doesnt effect me long term tho.
also, ik i said i would try to be more active, but for the 11th to the 23rd im gonna be on a roadtrip w my family w out internet. they haven't even told us where we're going but i hope it's good lol. n e wayz, i hope ya'll have a great day/night, and this time i p r o m i s e that i'll keep updating

5th entry: April 19th, 2021: 8:56am

yoo i haven't written her 4 a really long time.. i kinda lost motivation to but yeah i think i may start again idk. i had my 16th birthday, and we went 2 see my grandmother who i hadn't seen in like a year :)) it was super great, i love my grandmother! also, i asked my mom if i could get a phone and she said yes!! so i bought one right away.. it still hasn't shipped but thats ok, it says itll get here on the 29th. my therapist and i have been meetign every other week and it;s been going wayy way better, im super happy we like had that talk about what we wanted to do about sessions :^) they put me on a different stimulant and this one works pretty well and it doesnt give me panic attacks so thats good. im even kinda starting to catch up in school!! i hope i can maintain it cause i feel awful every time i fail at that shit. i was sober for like 2 weeks but then i slipped up and now i'm drinking again,, but i think thats ok because everyone makes mistakes. i really want to be sober, but im conflicted because i like drugs yknow. they help me cope but i want to be able to deal myself. i went on a walk with one of my friends yesterday and it was great {we have both been tested recently and wore outr masks the whole time} we had such a fun time. OMG JHFHKFKH i gave her a haircut in a parking garage and we just left the hair on the ground with a can of monster that we took the tab off of, so when someone finds it theyll be confused asf lol. it was so fun, i miss people

4th entry: March 20th, 2021: 5:19pm

hii. some stuff has happened and my birthday's soon :) first off my therapist didn't dump me, that was just the personality disorder talking. what she actually said was that she wanted to take a break because she felt we needed to reset, but i had a conversation with her and my other 2 therapy people and we decided that it was just because even though i've been in therpay 4 like 9 years i still don't really know how to utilize it and make progress, n that's just bc i have a shitty way of coping with stress and that bled through to therapy.,. so yknow. secondly,, i missed a dose of vyvanse accidentally, and it gave gave me a 9 hour long low level panic attack. I thought i was having a heart attack or smth but it was just the vyvanse that had fucked up my heart rhythm and made like a chemical imbalance in my brain {worse than usual lol} so i stopped taking that, which sux bc it really really worked super well for my focus and fidgeting >:(
anyways my birthays at the end of the month!! im gonna be 16 which is cool :) doesn't really mean much beside the age of consent but im excited idk. on the other hand it means growing up and that scares me.

3rd entry: March 8th, 2021: 7:58am

i really dont know how i feel right now. my life has stayed pretty much the same, besides my therapist dumping me, she said i wasnt ready for progress. whatever, just another person leaving, nothing new. im getting my first dose of vyvanse tmrw so i'll let you know how that goes. i was sober for like 2 weeks but i slipped up. now that im thinking about it, i feel rlly guilty and sad that i'm resetting all that progress. plus that's another reason my therapist left. she said i had to be sober before working on myself, and she was right. everyone else is always right. anyways, i don't think i actually have adhd anymore, but vyvanse still might help bc i have some adhd related symptoms, and have for a rlly long time. i've been trying harder at school and i think it's paying off. also i've been more creative recently. i made a pair of platform boots so thats cool, they make me feel powerful and big yknow.

lately i've been noticing how hypocritical everyone around me is regarding race, culture, and economics, especially my stepdad. his new job as a contact tracer has convinced him that white people are ashahmed to be white, plus he like completely disregards most shows of white racism and economic power as inconsequential. Instead he latches onto random Black people saying that rich white people suck im multiple ways, and berates the very idea. plus his only line of reasoning for liking someone who isn't white is their intelligence and respectability, which fuckin sucks. and, if that wasn't enough, hes a male terf. but the worst part is that he acts like a ton of other people i know, trying to justify their obviously bigotive ideas with flawed logic and superior arguing tactics. im fed up with people here saying "oh it's better than the south" or some bs, bc it isn't. its just veiled in the guise of intellect and not screaming in your face. malcom x made some several points when he said he hated white liberals.

2nd entry: Feb 13th, 2021: 5:32 pm

HIII HII yo im soo sorry i havent been updating,, and i only got the motivation to update bc im fucked up rn but whateva... my life has been ok idk,, ive been searching for a way to make it less sad and to feel not like myself, but generally shit has been going better :))) besides the impending doom i feel every time im sober im great!!i took up smoking but im trying to stop bc that shits bad 4 my lungs. i was drunk at school the last 2 time i went bc i literally couldtn stand talking to ppl without substances but yknow.. oh yeah if anyone has a discord server thats open please let me join bc i need more online friends! i think i have adhd so im being put on like focalin or vyvanse in a month so thats cool! but therapy has been going kinda bad bc every time i go i feel worse.. i really wanna phone bc my parents still wont let me get one :( but im thinking about buying an old on from ebay... idk i hope it gets better but im making good friends at school and i might start posting the diary that i keep during the day at school bc i have some cool stuff in there.. i hope all of youj are great!! byyeee !!

1st entry: January 19th, 2021: 9:46 pm

since my last entry not much has happened,,, rn im in german class but im not paying attention lmao,, i dont really like german class,, it boring. ive been really relapsing which hasnt been good and i wish i wasnt.. but i cant seen to stop thinking about that amazing nothiness that comes with being drunk,, it kinda sucks but beingdrunk is my only escape rn,, i tried to be sober 4 a little bit and it was great but i bucled and i went onna walk to go get alc to drunk again :((,, in othe news my mom is being kinda ok which is weird cause shes usuallly rlly toxic and shit but im not complaining,,,i just have to keep my guard up bc if i don't ill get let down and hurt, my eyes rlly hurt and i keep freaking myself out that im going blind,, idk its cold rn so its rlly dry and that may be a reason,, i rlly miss my friendss :(,, ive stopped talking to them mostly, but whenever i do it feels like im intruding or smth